I have been going back and forth between whether or not I would want to make some sort of worst-to-best kind of list as a wrap up for the year, and I suppose I oughta just do it. I don't like the thought of me ranking movies in that way, but I also am someone who loves to look at other people's lists (such as Brad Jones' annual Top 10 Best and Worst Movies list on Youtube, a consistent in my life for many years now, and one of those ceremonious things in which I have to order chinese food and eat it in front of the screen while I watch). So, I suppose I will.
This is going to be a wrap-up of every movie I saw in the theaters this year. Or hopefully every single one. As many readers know, I am a big fan of the Regal Unlimited Pass, and have used it to get tickets for at least 90 percent of the following movies. There have been a few I have seen at the AMC. There have been zero I have seen at Metrograph, BTW, and for the sake of my own physical comfort, it shall remain that way.
It has been one hell of a year for me in seeing movies, although far less than I originally planned to see (was estimating at least 50, but the time of this writing, it is around 35). Still, not a bad amount for the price of the Unlimited pass, especially considering the amount of times I had to get tickets for both me and my girlfriend (God bless Regal Tuesdays as well).
I am very grateful for you, the reader. I do this for my own enjoyment, really. It motivates me to go out and see more movies, and that motivates me to write more, and the cycle never ends. I've wanted to do this kind of thing for a long time. I'm a huge fan of reviews, quite possibly more than I am a fan of actual movies. So really I am just writing what I would like to read, even if at least half of my reviews is just about me getting snacks beforehand... That's what I like about the whole thing. The experience! The movie experience... I have always loved it, even if I spend much of my time complaining about the shitty seating and the way the trailers push the movie start times and everything else... Anyways, again, thank you. Will continue writing through 2025, and can only hope to get even more consistent with it. I missed a lot of reviews on stuff I saw this year, which I beat myself up for, but hey! life happens. I went through a lot of large changes in the time that I've been doing these reviews. I got a GF. I randomly picked up drinking again for a month. I grew a beard. Crap like that. So I didn't get to review everything. But maybe this list can make up for it some.
FROM WORST TO BEST: MOVIES I SAW IN THE THEATER IN 2024
Argyle - Stupid stupid. Went in thinking it would be at least fun, but agonizing. Can't explain the vibe, but feels like something that got written in 2011 and got shelved until post-pandemic. I don't remember much, but I remember that it had far less John Cena than was advertised, and that I told myself when I saw it that it would probably be the worst film I saw this year. In February. Just a specific brand of movie, like Kingsmen's whatever. Not sure who they're made for, but I know now that it isn't me.
Lisa Frankenstein - Fell the hell asleep several times out of spite. I like Diablo Cody, I like Juno and Jennifer's Body, but I think she's run out of 80's references. She needs to get the hell off of pinterest or whatever it is quirky 40-something ladies do in their free time. She lost whatever edge she had that helped propel her other films a long time ago.
Problemista - A24-ass fairy tale you-can-be-whatever-you-want-to-be-ass movie. Pointless-to-unlikeable main character running around Bushwick doing errands for Tilda Swinton, who I could live without seeing in one of these indie movies ever again. And all so he can get a job at a toy factory. It's the film-equivalent of "The intersection of art and capitalism" as a Scott Rudin production. Horse shit!
Dune 2 - Fell asleep. I tried so hard to not sleep, but I slept, nonetheless. I woke up about an hour into it and left the theater. I still gotta put it in the list, but how can I be any nicer? I didn't see the first one, which was stupid, I'll admit. I probably saw fifteen percent of it, and I still rank it above Problemista. I only really like the Jodorowsky documentary. Sue me.
Sting - One of what feels like a hundred crappy Blumhouse (or Blumhouse-style movies) that I saw this year. I get it though, they have a certain formula and it seems, at least to me, that it works enough to continue making movies. And a lot more of these to show up on this list, I assure you. Horror movie about a killer spider in an apartent. Whole movie takes place in apartment building. Feels like a movie made during the COVID-19 Pandemic. Would have been excusable but I saw this in 2024. I felt nothing about this movie so much so that it resonated with me. That's kind of the Blumhouse vibe though. Come up with a horror premise (what if the ghost... was also a PILGRIM?), execute it on a relatively low budget, either with a hard PG-13 or a very soft R rating, and do average-to-OK box office numbers. Spider horror movie, nothing happens. Worst horror I saw this year; didn't hate it, but hated myself for sitting through it.
Founder's Day - Another crappy horror movie, but I am a sucker for slashers, so it sits slightly above Sting. It's like Eli Roth's Thanksgiving but re-written by theater students. The ending is so rivetingly stupid it makes the whole thing worth it in some way. I saw this alone and enjoyed it, but realistically it's barely worth a watch on streaming.
AfrAId - ANOTHER crap Blumhouse movie! This one has Harold from Harold & Kumar at least. Blumhouse What-If-Alexa-Was-Evil shit. House has AI and kills people. Base script feels AI generated. It's OK for a shitty Blumhouse horror, although it's soft even for a PG-13. You could probably take your six-year-old to see this and I don't think he or she would be hesitant to play on their iPads after. I got to see this in Missouri with the lady, and it was only us in the entire theater, on a Saturday night, at 7 PM. One of the more fun movie experiences of the year, in spite of everything.
Trap - MORE PG-13 Horror. Not Blumhouse, but M. Knight. I'm a fan of his, and even of the first hour of this movie, but something happens half-way through that's unexplainable. It's inane the whole runtime, but the last hour is so bad and it trips over itself every few minutes. But it is hilariously bad, and I have to kind of recommend it. I can only assume directors get paid one million dollars per minute of movie, and he was like, fuck it, 2-plus hours.
Night Swim - ANOTHER Blumhouse joint. This one has the worst premise of all of them (Haunted backyard swimming pool) but I kind of enjoyed it. The family was likable, so I can't be mad at them mothafuckas, really. Very very not scary and very very not tense and the climax I think kind of just happens or maybe it never happens. It belongs at the bottom of lists, surely, but I feel cool to have it be only the fifth worst horror of the year.
Joker 2 - BLEH. BLEH BLEH. I only rank it above other movies because as a cinematic thing it is suitable, but as a sequel to a movie that I sincerely very much like, I am just so... BLEH. But I figured I wouldn't like it once I heard about the musical premise. Pointless, gratuitious, nonsensical. What I liked most about the first Joker was the tone, which was given mostly by the way they created the atmosphere of T.Driver/K.O. Comedy New York, which was ignored here. We spend the whole movie either in prison, or in court, revisiting things that we already experienced, in a better way, in the first film. Ugh, bleh. I would never watch this fucking thing again. And I have watched Joker 1 every year since I saw it, honestly, which I used to do with Dark Knight untl Joker. They did everyone dirty with this thing. I can't imagine who walked away happy (and I am talking about both the crew and the audience). Kind of like the Terminator sequels and subsequent universe, you just sit there and wish they didn't feel the need to expand on something, if that's what they're gonna do with it. The only good thing it did is paying whatver the opposite of fanfare is, because this did none of that, which I think is cool. But nah, insane waste of my time and I wish I didn't see it (kind of like the Terminator sequels).
Furiosa - Fan of all the previous ones, do not get how people were pleased with this one. It feels more like The Dune movie I slept through than Fury Road. There's even a scene towards the end where instead of showing us a battle, have a voiceover describing to us how devastating the battle was. Some of the world-building is cool, again I like the other ones and I think if nothing else it's cool to see a director get to stick to his vision for this many decades; the entire behind the scenes stuff with Fury Road is to me as cool as the movie. But this was so average to me, which was disheartening.
Boy And The Heroin Ask ChatGPT to write you a script for a Studio Ghibli film and it would probably look something like this. They do always look pretty great, I think... But the charm is lost when it seems like there's a new one of these every year. It didn't feel like anything special, at least compared to other Ghibli stuff. But it may have been the only animated thing I saw in theaters (besides the Joker 2 intro), so it's first place for that (and last, too, IG).
In A Violent Nature - One of the more brutal movies I've seen in recent years, which is something. Cool premise; "What if we followed the killer the entire movie," cute. Kind of fun, filmed pretty, and some serious kills! Some of it stuck with me for a few days, like I said, just brutal... But I can't see myself revisiting. When you follow the killer in a third-person perspective, it gives you little reason to care about the would-be survivors, and here they aren't really likeable anyways. It's like Friday the 13th parts 2-4 but it doesn't even take the time to give you a reason to like or dislike the characters. Ambitious, low-budget, and a little silly but I'm glad to see something bolder than Sting. Fanatics of gore shoulld see it.
Skincare - Saw no trailers or promotional stuff before walking into this, at least it's an original IP. Love love Elizabeth Banks but forgot she was in this. Feels kind of miscast, but I get it. Was excited during the beginning but it lost a lot of its monentum early. Aging woman losing relevance, etc. The Substance handled these themes in a more interesting way, and I didn't even like it that much. Didn't dislike this, but really don't remember much about it, just that I felt ready to forget about it on my way out of Regal.
MaXXXine - I haven't seen the other movies in the trilogy, so I may not be the right person to be reviewing this. But I didn't dislike it, so what are you gonna say, even??? I know they're all very quasi-referential, like the first one is more like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and this one is more some 80's crap. I guess it's supposed to be some sleazy early-80's thing like Angel? I don't think movies can be authentically sleazy if it relies entirely on being referential... But it was fun anyways. Not enough for me to go out of my way to see the first two, though. (I don't really like Angel, really, btw, but it's definitely authentic.)
A Real Pain - Happy to not have put this at the bottom of the list. Planned on hating this, and ended up being meh-to-OK about it. Not the best movie about the Holocaust that I saw this year. I like the Caulkin brother in this one. Low-stakes movie that at the very least moves. It probably got so far up the list for it's length, barely cracking 90 minutes. Thank you for the runtime, Mr. Eisenberg.
Late Night With The Devil - Pretty fun. I love found-footage gimmick movies, gives the cast & crew a reason to work within a limited thing. This one is like Evilspeak meets Johnny Carson. Not entirely authentic though, a huge misstep being using VHS-like filters for things. Couldn't you have just... Used old cameras??? And not settled for CGI shit??? But it was a fun horror thing. I'd probably watch it again in some capacity, if somebody wanted me to watch it with them or something.
Blink Twice - Average! Would have had different things to say about it if the Diddy stuff never came out, but it seemed like that all happened only a couple weeks after this movie released. But now that's about all there is to say about it. The atmosphere of this movie reminds me of Don't Look Up and Triangle of Sadness, movies for neoliberal types to go, "See? rich people is bad." It's alright though. I like C. Tatum and the gang, but it gets a little heavy handed with the modernspeak.
Bad Boys: Ride Or Die - Pretty awesome. They reference the Will Smith/Chris Rock slap, which is pretty awesome. These are great movies for what they are. And they always actually hit the R-rating, which is surprisingly not that common anymore for action flicks like this. Happy for everyone getting their check, and for Smith to take a second away from the weird Scientology sci-fi movie stuff he seemed to be featured in a lot more during the Obama admin.
Twisters - Pretty awesome, too. This shit is kind of brutal! Towns get decimated all to fucking hell! The rodeo scene alone is worth it for the 50-cent ticket price. Runs a little longer than it needs to, especially in the romantic-side-plot department. But there are enough tornados happening to keep you invested. It's pretty funny at times, both intentional and not. The Missouri in me can't help but like it; as a kid we watched the original Twister in the school library as a warning about severe weather in the spring time.
Cuckoo - Fun romp, a little heavy in references, like if you read any reviews on this thing they're probably citing the same movies that it is obviously "inspired" by. Was enjoyable in theaters. Cool music, good atmosphere, good cast. Not my favorite horror movie with a cast member from Euphoria to star in it this year, though, to be honest. Keep reading to find out!
Heretic - Loved the tense first hour, thought the setting was cool, petered out a little near the end, but overall I did like it. Kind of like a movie about an Athiest neckbeard guy who annoys you really bad at a bar, but it's Hugh Grant, which is brilliant casting. It's like how I felt about Steve Carell in Foxcatcher, you would never expect it. He has all the charm from any movie he stars in from like 1999-2003 but is just this pretty annoying Athiest guy, basically. Fun horror movie, although not exactly horror. Didn't know what to expect from the trailers, but was pleased enough.
The Apprentice - Fun movie about Trump that kind of tows the line between celebration and slam, taking place mostly in the 70's and 80's. The grimy New York tone that is lost in Joker 2 is found here, much to my delight. It's kind of a hit piece, but kind of not? But mostly is. I thought it was cool. Sebastian is great as the former and future prez. I'm not a huge Trump historian; before he had that TV show I really only knew him from appearing on WWE events a coulple times. This covers a lot I didn't know.
The Substance - Would have been higher on the list if it wasn't so long and wasn't so heavy-handed, but it was still something this year I enjoyed. Demi Moore is obv great in this, and Marg too. There has been plenty of discussion about this film and there isn't really too much to say that hasn't been said. The ending reminds me of a Mr. Show sketch. I wouldn't call this body horror, because that implies scary, and nothing in this film seems to be played to scare the viewer... but I digress! I always digress. Saw this at an AMC in Connecticut, and it was a nice time.
Challengers - Pretty good. I didn't think I'd care much for it but I thought it was pretty good. It wasn't as explicit or hypersexual as the trailers led me to believe. It's just about some mahfuckas who really like tennis! Zendaya is good in this, and so are the two lad-looking gentlemen. It isn't that gay of a movie either, which seemed contrary to what people were making it seem like. Good movie.
Terrifier 3 - I didn't even finish this movie and it's still this far up the list!!! I had about 45 minutes left but I had to leave early. I probably looked to the rest of the audience that I was so disgusted I had to vacate, which is not the case... But almost! DISGUSTING MOVIE!!! Very much do not recommend. I wouldn't watch this or the previous films again, probably, but I'll watch any future installments once, for sure. Damien Leone has struck gold with this franchise, and it's really a joy to witness. I don't find Art the Clown scary, and some of the writing is a little cringe... But if nothing else, he's created a box office smash with a huge cult following with essentially no budget, no Hollywood backing... American dream type stuff. I watched the first Terrifier on streaming over the pandemic and have been a fan since, whatever that means... These movies are seriously fucking disgusting! But it's somehow a fresh take on an old staple, the slasher. I'm not even sure how, really, but something about it is fresh to me. Bare minimum, it gives the folks something to talk about. Chainsaw to the asshole!
Zone Of Interest - Effective. Interesting take and setting on stuff we've seen covered in cinema for years. I for some reason don't feel like saying much about it. There are many scenes in this that I remember almost a year later. The effects and camera work is great.
Immaculate - Best movie with a Euphoria character of the year! And one of the best sacreligious horror movies of the year, too! Sydney Sweeney is bad ass in this. Corrupt Catholic church stuff. Fun. Didn't hear much about this movie, I feel alone in putting it up so high, but to hell with it!
The Bikeriders - The other day I said to Tiff, "Remember when we saw Bikeriders?" I kind of forgot about it, which may be telling to some degree... But I really liked this one. The pacing is similar to Goodfellas, but with motorcycle guys. There's even a wife narrator who's like, "I stuck with him even though he was doing crazy stuff, because I loved him" - to paraphrase. You get what I mean. Jodie Comer and especially Tom Hardy are great in this; but I may be bit of a Tom Hardy head, not gonna lie. I don't like biker stuff really but I enjoyed watching these badass guys hanging out and smoking that shit.
Civil War - I am conflicted on whether I really believe that this movie belongs this high up on the list, but I felt that it was up there when I first saw it. I thought the kind-of-post-apocalyptic setting felt real as could be, and I like movies that take place on the road. The journalistic viewpoint is a little funny though, the more I think about it. Like why are they so obsessed with their craft at a time like this...? K. Dunst is good. I like the ambiguous nature of the whole thing.
Poor Things - Pretty funny movie. I didn't get to say that very much about many movies this year, looking back on it now. The whole thing is kind of a comedy, one of the only ones of the year, it seems. Part of me hoped I'd never have to see get E. Stone railed in so many which ways, though, something about that has me disturbed still. But I feel like that's part of the comedy too, in meta kind of way.
Strange Darling -
Didi -
Longlegs -
Iron Claw -