This stupid thing happened where I had to run into a kid I knew from like the sixth grade. It was quite annoying. His name’s Andrew. In sixth grade he moved to my town and we became friends because… well probably because we just thought we were both cool, to be honest. He always spiked his hair crazy and wore Osiris D3 shoes and they would be completely unlaced and he would always get in trouble for it. The way they were so loose and open on his feet made it look like he was wearing baked potatos for shoes that were cut open to let the steam out. He had Static-X on cd and what seemed like every hat from CCS mail order. And I’m just throwing all that in there for the aesthetic vibe obv. But that was then and this is now. It isn’t sixth grade anymore so I don’t feel like dwelling on that part of it. But that’s all I know him from. Except when I’m on the phone with my parents and they’re like oh yeah we ran into Andrew the other day if you remember him, you guys should catch up when you come visit us!

I don’t want to. Obviously. Like how I said that was then this is now… You know I really couldn’t give a shit. But maybe it would be nice to do? Nah. That was so long ago, the sixth grade! And we weren’t even friends for that long anyways.

But I did end up visiting my parents. It was pretty great. My dad has this growing operation now (weed) where he grows all this damn weed in my old bedroom. He buys all these supplies from this weed style store. I guess that’s where Andrew works. See I didn’t know that. They kept this from me. I knew they would run into him from time to time. They would tell me and I wouldn’t really care. But I guess enough to store it in my memory.

I was in the car with them (Mom + Dad not Andrew). They pulled up to the curb at this strip mall type spot. And they were like let’s go in here real quick I gotta pick up that stuff for the shit.

And wouldn’t you know it, Andrew is working at the counter. At a weed store of all places (first kid I knew to smoke weed so that’s why it’s funny). He doesn’t look amazing or anything but it’s whack to bring that up at all. Like how he’s a little earthier than I was anticipating as far as body width goes. It’s gross for me to react like that immediately on seeing an old friend. But yeah doesn’t look amazing.

It feels like a surprise party or something. Except my parents haven’t taken inventory on who I’m friends with during the last couple presidencies (Mom does ask me to send over contact info and # of friends sometimes in case of an emergency and that’s my bad for forgetting).

Andrew and I cut straight to the formalities, hugs, it’s-been-so-long’s and such. He has a kid or two, I forget exact quantity but they were invented years ago. But sure I’ll look at the pic anyway and I’ll say ‘cute kid’ and feel weird about remarking on it at all. Cool kid would have been funnier to say. Haha, imagine someone showing you a pic of their 7 y/o and you’re just like, damn, cool kid. I guess I’d probably say something like that sincerely if I saw a little kid in like a cool music shirt but I’m cynical enough to imagine that no little kid is consciously asking for a Black Sabbath shirt. You know how younger parents do that kind of shit? “Yeah my son LOVES doom metal.” Oh, sweet! Anyway.

He brings up old times from the eight-ten months we were irl friends. And my memory is pretty damn good so yeah I’m like yeah I remember all that. I remember, Andrew, how we would download episodes of Recess and then dub our own voices over TJ and the gang via Windows Movie Maker. We would make them say some pretty ridiculous stuff that I’m really happy was lost well before the invention of streaming video services (they were invented at the time, I guess. Like Real and QuickTime as streaming vid players. But I don’t really recall how P2P services like Kazaa even worked. But I remember thinking maybe since we were downloading stuff from Kazaa maybe people were able to get into our stuff and see what we were making if that makes sense. But I don’t think that’s how it works). And we were both thinking about how we’d download porn all through the night. And even with both my parents at this point browsing the fertilizer selection it still seemed inappropriate to bring up. And how the computer would get all fucked and there’d be literally forty or so pop-up ads on the desktop. And the screen would look like one of those interstate exits in Missouri where there is a billboard for every single establishment and you can see it all in one view. It’s like that but they all say YOU WON! YOU WON! And HOT STREAMING BITCHES! Mom would scold me about loading too much on the computer and breaking it. “You’re loading too much shit on the computer and that’s why it’s breaking.” Verbatim. Like I said, my memory’s good.

This is the closest thing to a school reunion that I’ve experienced in awhile.

And the same pattern follows each time. It goes: I lie about something, and then I withhold an essential part of something else. And then say so yeah things are at least going into motion for me a little bit (and that part I guess never feels like a lie at least. But might be). No wife or girlfriend or nothing like that but I’m always kind of looking at least (might be a lie might not be).

And then it always ends with me remembering when I left my hometown I thought about how steezy it’d be to run into people that still lived there, like when I would visit. And be like yeah, I moved to the big city. And I’m doing all this cool shit now! But I know it isn’t at all true really. And even if I was I wonder if they’d give a shit. Does Andrew really give a shit? I don’t give a shit about his shit (that’s a lie in a weird way)!

Even with my damn good memory there are times where I forget things. And sometimes I forget essentials like how most people actually don’t give a shit what you do ever, at all.

So I was kind of like actually Andrew I lied about most of that stuff I just said. And I’m honest to god not even working on a book at all, like at one point I kind of was but it was such a vanity project (I doubt he has ever dwelled on this phrase or even seen it and I mean it sincerely when I say God bless him for that). And I had like two things this year published, I told him, not a lot like I said a minute ago.

And then I said well actually one this year it turns out, but it was at least in print.

I figured he would ask why I lied, but like I said he didn’t even care! So funny. He was just like, oh damn, well that’s still great man!

And I told him how I’m not actually getting money like that at ALL. I told him I was doing OK for myself in this certain way people say it to signify they really are getting money like that. But I corrected it and told him the truth. I really was getting some money, but not like that.

And I told him how I actually kind of do have a girlfriend? Sort of??? But I’m so absorbed in myself that I can’t find too much time outside of being obsessed with only myself and whatever I’m doing. And we don’t actually live together. And as a matter of fact she doesn’t live in New York at all, I added. He went, DAMN!

“You’ve always been a little liar, huh?” He smirked at me, sure of himself. Of course he was. he’s been married twice and has one or two really cool kids. He has a job, and I cease to believe that he even considered his old friend would come in here and immediately judge him just because he’s fat now.

Who the fuck am I? I’m a little liar. He has all this going on and and all I have is a pack of lies.

He was right, too! Cause when he said I was a little liar, I bet he was referring to when we would load all that porn onto the computer. And I would say that it was Andrew who did it when he stayed over. And Mom would be like, OK, well then Andrew isn’t allowed to stay over. And then we stopped talking until eventually he moved away forever (or so I thought…). LOL. Forgot about that part.

Guess that’s why we weren’t really friends this whole time.

You ever seen that episode of 30 Rock where Tina Fey goes back to her old high school for a reunion. And she wants to attend it. If only to show off how great and successful she is now. Because she was constantly bullied and such, so this would be the ultimate way to get back at those kids. She told Alec Baldwin this of all people. So they go to the thing together and it kind of turns out she was this huge bitch to everyone actually. But in her mind she was always getting picked on and tormented. But nah, quite the opposite. So that’s completely messed up.

We exchanged numbers as per my Mom’s request. And my dad didn’t even end up finding the fertilizer he was looking for.